Saturday, August 22, 2009

Crackers or Sex

If you spend any time at all (and any time is probably too much) prowling the social websites, you'll notice there's a topic I haven't covered. It's (looking around surreptitiously and whispering) sex. Did I say that (blushing)? Um, let me reconsider here...maybe I should have said hybrids and gas mileage. No? Your appetite's already whetted and now I have to deliver. Well, here goes.

Sex is bad -- don't do it (literally and metaphorically speaking). I'm serious. I mean, consider the consequences. For one thing, you can find yourself living out the childhood rhyme: "Beggar and Bonnie, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Beggar pushing a baby carriage!" Oh, that's right, this is the 21st century and we have birth control. Okay, let's move on.

Next there's the issue of obtaining it. Sex isn't like Ritz crackers -- five kinds on the grocery shelf, take your pick. You've got to do your homework: fig

Ritz CrackersImage via Wikipedia
ure out the best watering holes, decide which "lines" have even a tiny chance of working, learn how to determine whether s/he's interested, practice reading the signs, and then decide what to do if you're shot down. Clearly, sex involves a lot of work. Do you really want to put yourself through all that? Mm, you do, eh?

So, here's the real problem. Sex costs money. No, not that. You've got to have a decent wardrobe, maybe a cool ride, and the worst thing of all, you've got to clean your apartment! Most maid services won't even touch a job like that, especially if you're a guy, for less than a month's salary. Wouldn't you rather just get a nice DVD, throw some popcorn in the microwave, and grab a soda out of the fridge? It's cheaper.

I didn't think so.


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