To Blame or Not to Blame, That Is the Question

Sometimes we just can't seem to help ourselves. You know what I mean. You're going along, minding your own business, and then you do something that you swore you'd never do again. It doesn't have to be anything "big" and it usually isn't. The things that trip us up are most often the things we take for granted.

So, we kick ourselves for falling victim to the wiles of human nature and swear one more time, things are going to be different. And, guess what? They're not. We do whatever it is again. Now some folks would say this is typical of everyone, it should be expected, and why worry about it? Well, anytime we're concerned about something we're doing, it's generally because it causes some discomfort or it has the potential to do so. My psychologist friend, the late John P. Smith used to describe pain as the universal motivator. We might like to think we'll change because of some anticipated benefit but more often than not, it's because we're tired of doing something that's painful.

But you'd think we'd eventually start to get some things right. Surely, after enough experience, hours in therapy or whatever, we'd figure out what we need to do in order to alter our behavior once and for all. Just be done with it. And then, without realizing it, there we go again.

Is this addiction? Do we just like to suffer? Perhaps some are and some do, but I don't think that applies to most of us. I think most of us are genuinely distressed when we find ourselves subject to what classical writers might call the "weakness of the flesh." And we'd honestly like to do something about it. So, we proceed to beat ourselves up and promise to be more disciplined in the future.

I'm starting to think all that self-recrimination really does is strengthen whatever it is we're trying to overcome. The more we blame ourselves the more blameworthy we feel. It's hard to do better when you feel badly. So, what if we try forgiving ourselves instead? There's a lot of power in forgiveness. For one thing, when we forgive, we move toward reconcilliation and reconcilliation is one more step toward healing.

It's easier to blame, that's for sure, and moral outrage seems to demand it. But forgiveness brings renewal and my guess is, most of us could use a good dose of it, having administered ourselves more than one bitter teaspoon of blame. Anyhow, it's a place to start.